How To Avoid One Major Source Of Relationship Conflict, From An Expert

September 5, 2023

Chores are a part of life, whether we like it or not. And if you’ve been with your partner for one year or 30, there’s a pretty good chance you’ve had conversation or two about managing your household.

If chores aren’t a sticking point for you and your partner, that’s wonderful. If not, though, there’s a reason household labor can be such a divisive topic—but it doesn’t have to be. Here’s what to do to stop fighting about chores (and all the emotional labor that comes with them).

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According to Regina Lark Ph.D., organization expert and author of Emotional Labor: Why a Woman’s Work is Never Done and What To Do About It, chores can become a source of conflict in relationships for a number of reasons.

For one thing, especially if you’re in a cis-het relationship, traditional gender roles around “women’s work” are still incredibly pervasive, with many of us subconsciously holding a belief that it’s the woman’s job in the relationship to manage the household—cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, keeping track of everyone’s calendars, the list goes on…and on and on.

And not only does that list go on, but so many parts of it are effectively invisible. Sure, one could argue that it’s not difficult to remember to pick up a birthday card, or sweep the kitchen after dinner, for example, but the mental and emotional labor that goes into keeping track of all these “little things” adds up to one person feeling like the CEO of their own home, while the other remains largely unburdened.

As Lark explains, acknowledgement of the volume of work, then, is so important, “because unless you understand what that work entails, you’ll never understand why there even needs to be a discussion.” She adds that without that understanding, it’s all too easy for resentment and anger to seep into your relationship.

1.

Get clear on the amount of the labor needed in your home, including emotional labor

According to Lark, the most important thing couples need to do in order to stop fighting about chores is to clearly spell out all the work that needs to be done. “Couples need to think of and list all the invisible tasks associated with every single project within the realm of household management,” she tells mindbodygreen, adding, “It’s not only about making a grocery list, it’s noticing what’s missing from the pantry and refrigerator. That’s the invisible part—the noticing.”

The noticing tends to be where couples run into issues, where it’s one person who is doing the noticing, and subsequently delegating, while the other person just does what they’re told. “But we want a partner, not a ‘helper,'” Lark notes—as in, both people take it upon themselves to notice what needs to be done, and then they do it without needing to be asked.

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2.

Embrace radical delegation

According to Lark, a common misconception amongst housework is delegating tasks to the person who does it best. But all too often, it’s one person who does everything best, she explains.

“If you’re somebody who was raised to notice all the work of the household, then by default, you’re going to be viewed as the person best suited to the task,” she says, adding that it’s a privilege of the workplace to hire people best suited for a position, but it just doesn’t work that way at home.

So, Lark says, embrace “radical delegation,” AKA delegating to get the work done regardless of who’s better or worse at it. (To that end, just watch out for weaponized incompetence.)

3.

Anticipate the emotional labor lifecycle

It’s one thing to have a conversation about housework and the mental/emotional labor that comes with it—but it’s an entirely different ballgame to keep the conversation going. Housework never ends, after all, and as Lark says, “If people could anticipate everything that’s coming up in their life, they can preemptively radically delegate.”

In this way, we can avoid one person acting as more of a helper, so you can feel like you’re in true partnership. “Give ownership to those things so the person takes ownership before it even hits their sights a year or two from now,” Lark says. That way, she notes, you’re both looking ahead as a united front.

4.

Work with a professional

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