Husband is being bullied by his boss and he’s stressed and paranoid – but he can’t quit

Dear Coleen

I don’t know how to help my husband, who I’m pretty sure is being bullied at work, but he can’t see it or, if he does, he won’t do anything about it.

His boss is an ogre and she’s so unreasonable, asking him to work holidays at the last moment and constantly emailing and texting out of hours, meaning he can never switch off. She’s also been criticising his work in front of others and says “people” in the company have made negative comments about him, without telling him who they are and what they said, so he’s stressed and paranoid. Yet, she’s always pleasant on the surface, so it’s hard to make a specific complaint.

He works really hard and I think he’s being walked over and taken for granted or perhaps his boss is trying to make him so miserable that he ends up leaving. My husband knows that’s not an option, as we have an 18-month-old son and money is tight.

I wish I could get him to stand up for himself. He’s becoming more withdrawn and unhappy, but doesn’t want to talk about it. It’s hard to see him like this. Any advice?

Coleen says

He should be logging everything that happens down, so when he feels ready and has had enough he can go to the HR department with a proper record of how he’s been treated and the impact it’s having on him.

When he gets home after work, it’s not the answer to be angry and tell him to grow a backbone and be stronger because then he’s getting it from both sides. He should be able to come home and vent and you should listen.

In terms of you being proactive, you can help to boost his confidence and self-esteem –reassure him it’s not him but her and that you’re behind him.

While it might not be ­practical or sensible to walk out of his job, he can at least look for other opportunities rather than feeling he’s trapped and can’t leave because he has a baby. At the end of the day, his mental health and wellbeing are just as important as anyone else’s in the house and, if he’s struggling, then your child won’t have a fun dad around.

He might be worried to tell you he wants to leave, so you need to tell him he’s more important than the job and that you can figure it out together.

If he feels secure and supported at home, it will strengthen his mindset and his resolve to find something that’s better for him.