Attachment is a type of connection that you form during the beginning of life—usually with a parent or caregiver. As you get older, your attachment evolves through factors like your environment, peers, and romantic relationships. In adulthood, your attachment style influences how you relate to others, the relationships you form, and how secure (or insecure) you feel in bonds with other people.
In most cases, people have either a secure attachment style or one of three types of insecure attachment—which include avoidant, anxious, and disorganized attachment. Experts estimate that about two-thirds of kids have a secure attachment style, but this number drops to one-third in children who experience systemic disadvantages, abuse, discrimination, and violence.
Having an insecure attachment style can cause a variety of challenges in your relationships, making it difficult to sustain important bonds with others. Despite any troubles you may face, you can still live a happy and healthy life with the right support.
There are three main types of insecure attachment styles, which include:
- Avoidant attachment: People with avoidant attachment tend to experience some difficulty with intimacy and close relationships, especially because they prioritize maintaining their independence and autonomy.
- Anxious attachment: Those with anxious attachment (sometimes also known as ambivalent attachment) experience trouble forming deep, committed relationships with other people. Part of the issue comes from a fear or anxiety that the other person will break off the relationship with them or does not want to spend time with them.
- Disorganized attachment: Folks with disorganized attachment often display inconsistent and unpredictable behaviors in their relationships. Many believe this type of attachment style is influenced by early childhood trauma that created an inability to develop healthy relationships.
The signs of insecure attachment will be based on the type of attachment you have or most relate to. Regardless of which type of insecure attachment style you have, you’ll likely experience some changes in your behaviors that can affect your relationships.
Avoidant Attachment Signs
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may display or notice the following behaviors:
- Working hard to be independent in your relationships to avoid any kind of dependency on a partner
- Keeping yourself at a distance from your partners by giving excuses
- Believing that emotional intimacy is not desirable or possible
- Suppressing vulnerable thoughts and emotions
- Finding it difficult to trust others
- Denying your need for closeness
- Being emotionally unavailable
Anxious Attachment Signs
Having an anxious attachment style can make you exhibit the following behaviors and beliefs:
- Fearing that your partners may leave or abandon you
- Having intense anxiety about your relationships
- Appearing heavily invested in your relationships
- Craving more emotional intimacy with your partner
- Internalizing negative thoughts or self-talk
- Questioning your self-worth
- Watching diligently for signs that your partner is pulling away, even if they aren’t
- Feeling underappreciated in your relationships
- Experiencing less satisfying or fulfilling relationships
Disorganized Attachment Signs
The following behaviors can manifest with a disorganized attachment style:
- Displaying a hostile or helpless approach to relationships
- Being inconsistent with your partner
- Wanting to be close sometimes and wanting distance other times, making your desires confusing for your partner
- Experiencing difficulties with being vulnerable with your partner
- Having trouble regulating your emotions
- Feeling anxious in your relationships at some points while being avoidant in your relationships during others
Researchers theorize that your attachment style is formed during your early years based on how you were cared for, the consistency of the care you received, and how the love you experienced (or lack thereof) affected you overall. These early experiences help shape your attachment style and can follow you into adulthood.
That said, environmental factors may also play a role in the development of your attachment style. For instance, some researchers suggest that living in a low-income neighborhood, having a single-parent home, experiencing mental health concerns, or undergoing trauma at an early age can also influence your relationship attachment.
But, it’s worth noting that your attachment style is not set in stone. It can change based on your relationships with other people and how they affect you, especially as you get older.
So, even if you had a secure attachment style in childhood, you can develop an insecure attachment style later in life—especially if you have negative or hurtful experiences with others. Meanwhile, people with insecure attachment styles growing up can also develop into securely attached adults, especially if they have a partner that meets their needs of security or consistency.
Having an insecure attachment style plays a large role in your relationships. You might notice that your communication, trust, and intimacy with your partner feel insecure or inconsistent from time to time.
For instance, people with anxious attachment may feel insecure about their relationships, seek constant validation, and worry about being abandoned. Those with avoidant attachment want to be loved but remain distant or emotionally unavailable in their relationships. And, people with disorganized attachment have a contradictory pattern of wanting to be close but pushing their partner away.
But, your relationships aren’t the only thing that can change with insecure attachment. Research shows that people with insecure attachment may have a higher risk of developing chronic pain and cardiovascular (heart) problems. Those who have an insecure attachment style may also experience mental health conditions, like depression and anxiety, at higher rates than people who have secure attachment.
If you have an insecure attachment style—you’re not alone. You may feel some stress or anxiety about your relationships, but there are ways to cope and heal your relationship with yourself and others. Consider the following approaches:
- Recognize which attachment style you have: Knowing what type of attachment you align with can help you identify which challenges you experience and how you can interact with others better. Knowing what you need from relationships and communicating those needs with your partner can also strengthen your attachment style.
- Get the support you need: Asking for help from a relationship specialist or mental health provider can help you understand your challenges and how to work through them. Talking to a professional can assist you in learning strategies and tips to improve your communication skills in your relationships. You can learn these skills with techniques like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or couples therapy.
- Talk to people you can trust: While this may be difficult at first, leaning on the people in your life that you love and trust can help you improve your attachment style. Letting them know about the challenges you experience and allowing them to provide you with opportunities for support and healthy communication can slowly improve trust and vulnerability in your relationships.
Also, remember that your attachment style does not define you—it is only one characteristic of who you are as a whole person. You are still worthy of love, respect, and empathy. Embracing this information can help build a foundation and lead to a more secure attachment style down the road.
Having a partner with an insecure attachment style can be challenging for you just as it may be for your partner. Depending on the type of insecure attachment they have, you may be dealing with a highly anxious partner or a partner who is avoidant and independent. Certainly, this type of attachment style can put a strain on your relationship.
The key to supporting your partner is to understand how their attachment style influences their communication style and where they may struggle in relationships. Even though you cannot change them or their attachment style, you can change how you interact with them. This might mean reassuring someone with anxious attachment or giving plenty of space to someone with an avoidant attachment style.
But, you also need to take care of your needs, too. It’s OK to ask for what you need in the relationship. In fact, research shows that honesty can strengthen relationships. Additionally, you do not have to compromise who you are for the sake of the relationship. It’s just as important to express your needs as it is to understand your partners’ needs too. Communicating openly and solving problems together can be beneficial for both of you.
People with insecure attachment styles—such as avoidant, anxious, and disorganized attachment—often have trouble developing secure relationships with other people. People who are avoidant may display a desire for autonomy and independence. Those who are anxious may be worried that their partner may leave them. But, folks with disorganized attachment fluctuate between being overly clingy and overly distanced.
Knowing what type of attachment style you have can help you get the support you need. Working with a mental health provider, going to therapy sessions, talking to people you trust, and communicating with your partner can help you improve your trust and vulnerability and help you become more secure in your relationships.
